


Mad Prince Rulf: Therapy

by sglottalk



Series: Crown Prince Rulf [14]
Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Gen, Grey-A, Post-Canon, Rape Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 11:43:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6193835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sglottalk/pseuds/sglottalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crown Princess Serena gets some therapy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mad Prince Rulf: Therapy

"I know you generally have not gotten along with therapists before," Laisa said, "but perhaps you just need to meet the right one. And we have a better understanding of your issues than before."

"By issues, do you mean the assassination attempt, or being greysexual, or being aromantic?" Rulf asked. "By the way, the last two are not problems at all, and I don't think therapy would improve my odds of surviving future assassination attempts."

"I think you could really benefit from talking about some of these things," Laisa replied.

Rulf rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like I need a therapist when I want to talk about something."

Laisa tried her best to not get flustered. "Rulf, we believe that, if you actually gave therapy a chance, it could really help you."

"You keep pushing this on me because you don't like the way I am, and you hope that therapy will turn me into the kind of son you fantasize about. However, I like the way I am. Fuck therapy." Rulf cracked a smile. "Though I admit, it has been a long time since I ate a therapist for breakfast. Mmmmmm, the smell of therapists' brains getting fried..."

***

"Rulf, I've decided to start therapy with someone your parents arranged for me," Serena said. "She's a Barrayaran who has received two years of training on Beta Colony."

Rulf did not say anything. Serena was not surprised - he was high on 'seventh stone', and he rarely said anything when he was using that drug.

***

Serena entered Rulf's room.

"Rulf, is it okay if I hug you?" Serena asked in quiet, almost trembling voice.

"Fine, whatever." Rulf said.

He stood up, and she came to hug him. She held him as if she were a naked person embracing a statue of ice.

This was fairly uncomfortable for Rulf, so he pulled a little rishiri out of his pocket, and took a sniff. Once the drug took effect, his mind floated off and he stopped noticing that she was there. By the time the effect wore off, she was still embracing him.

"Do you like this?" he asked.

"Not yet," Serena replied.

"Then why do this?"

"The therapist says that the best way to get over my aversion to touch is to touch people."

"And this matters because..."

"She says that being able to have loving touch is an important part of recovery."

"How? It's not like a lack of 'loving touch' is going to kill you."

"Actually, she says it is bad for your health if you don't get enough loving touch. Loving touch stimulates the body to produce beneficial chemicals..."

"Oh, it's _biochemistry_ ," groaned Rulf. "Probably shit like oxytocin. You don't need to touch anybody ever to get that. Lots of drugs have it. Heck, oxytocin is one of the active ingredients of fast-penta. Did your therapist recommend getting a regular dose of fast-penta?"

Serena giggled just a tiny bit. It was the first feeling of emotional warmth she had expressed since the hugging session had started. 

"It's not just the physical health benefits," she said. "It's also important for ... relationship health. Getting along with people."

"You are free to go off and have 'healthy' relationships with whoever you want," said Rulf. "Except me. If a 'healthy' relationship requires this touchy-feely crap, I am only interested in having a downright _unhealthy_ relationship with you."

Serena let go. "You don't like it?" she asked.

"Nope," Rulf replied.

"Is it," Serena's voice became even quieter than usual, "me?"

"Nah. I generally don't care about human touch one way or the other. But being touched by someone who clearly hates it feels creepy."

"But the therapist says that if I practice enough, I'll stop hating it."

"I was the idiot who spent years having lots of crazy sex to see if it would make me interested in sex more than once a season," Rulf remarked.

Serena was silent.

"Who wants you to like touching people? Is it just the therapist who wants you to be this way? Or do you want it too?"

Serena left the room.

***

Rulf was lying down on the bed, and Serena was sitting in a chair. Rulf listened to her breath, and his own breath matched her rhythm. He could feel that the air coming into to his own lungs had once been part of her breath.

They stayed like this for quite a while.

Rulf sensed the change in her breath which meant she was about to speak.

"I won't have any more therapy sessions," she said.

Rulf did not say anything. If she wanted to say more, she could do so without his prompting.

"Vor women all have to be married by a certain age, you know. If we don't, we might as well not exist. My parents want a grandchild, my grandparents were concerned about me not meeting any boys - Grandma Vorthys kept telling me I was being too shy, and that I should try dating. I knew I would get married one day, and I knew it would not be a love match, but even in arranged marriages, the wife is expected to yield to her husband's ... lust, be touched by him. I thought I would have to live with that, perhaps for the rest of my life.

"And then, when I found out I was going to marry you, it was like a dream I had not even known I had dreamed came true. I could be respected like a married woman, nobody would tell me to meet more boys, I could give my parents grandchildren, all without having to surrender my body again.

"I wanted to get rid of _his_ taint. That's why I went into therapy. But after each session, I felt more despair. The therapist kept telling me that not wanting touch, not wanting sex, not wanting love..."

"Hold on," said Rulf. "Did she say 'love', or did she say 'romance'? The two aren't the same."

"She said 'love'. She said that, as long as I did not want love, I would still be damaged. _He_ would still be ruining my chance at happiness. And I _can't_. I can't want touch. I failed.

"I am going back to the dream. Of being a respectable woman, who is not touched, never needs to submit to touch. It seems to be the best I can do."

"Suit yourself," said Rulf. "If you ever decide you would like some chemical assistance with your feelings, you know I'll help you."

The conversation ended, and Rulf once again listened to the flow of Serena's breath.

**Author's Note:**

> I would not have been able to write this without the excellent writing by asexual people who have experienced sexual abuse. The most useful essays were ["It Gets Better: Chasing the Before"](http://asexualsurvivors.org/2015/07/it-gets-better-chasing-the-before/) and ["Why It's Okay to Refuse Therapy"](http://asexualsurvivors.org/2015/06/why-its-okay-to-refuse-therapy/).


End file.
